JOY in Pregnancy

Heads up to all readers who are grieving and in pain due to infertility (primary or secondary) and miscarriages, and other related things ... this is a post about pregnancy.  If you are at all like me and your ability to handle the pain varies depending on what's going on in your life, please read this when you are in a good spot.  Hearing about other people's pregnancies is not easy -- it may never be and that's ok.  

Here we go ...

My one and only pregnancy journey had started -- not the way I thought it would mind you, but I was pregnant and excited to grow and feel this child inside me.  What a miracle.   We waited until we were about 13 weeks before sharing our news with family and friends.  Wowsers -- that was fun!  It was amazing to hear the wonder and excitement from everyone, this little one was so unexpected and yet so loved already.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to really enjoy every aspect of being pregnant.  Some days I admit it was hard not to complain about the various things that go along with pregnancy.  I felt nauseous off and on for the first few weeks but nothing I couldn't handle.  I began gaining weight but at a regular rate consistent with my weeks of pregnancy so that was fine too.  I was ok wearing my flip flops to every wedding we attended that summer (there were about ten!).  I actually enjoyed shopping for maternity clothes and pouring over the buckets of goodies my girlfriends brought over for me to try on.  I enjoyed getting bigger and have people smile at me while out and about.  There is something glorious and beautiful about being pregnant.  Of course, there were days when I wondered what I had gotten myself into -- especially nearing the end.  This baby had to come out ... and from my knowledge, through a space that was not very big.  That was slightly concerning but I figured that women all over the world do it everyday with way less technology and medical help than I would be offered.

I loved feeling my baby move in my belly.  Of course, now knowing this child and seeing his personality develop, it makes perfect sense that he would push and shove his way into places where his little feet and big head shouldn't be making it uncomfortable to sleep or paint my toenails or get my socks on.  But I would spend hours just watching my stomach move in impossible ways and feeling his hands and feet push out in attempt to make more space within.

I loved going to my midwife appointments and hearing his heart beating through the fetal heart monitor.

I enjoyed the prenatal classes even though they were filled with nervous and excited (and young!)  parents-to-be and most of the stuff I already knew (at least I thought I knew!).

I loved preparing the baby's nursery.

I loved imagining what gender this baby would be (almost everyone told me it would be a boy) and what his/her name would be and who it would look like.

Off we go to have this baby.

I loved reading pregnancy books -- although I admit I skipped most of the labour and birth parts (possibly a bad idea in hindsight).

There was much to love about being pregnant and I am so thankful I got to experience it.  I really didn't think it would ever happen to me and I still grieve the fact that I will never be pregnant again (see earlier posts!).    

Labour and birth.  What more to say.  I am actually a little bit thankful that I never have to do that again.  I marvel at women who choose to experience labour and birth more than once!  What are they thinking?!  They tell me it gets easier every time but still, it must hurt every time!

Moments after birth.

Our son, Jude Harm Petros Tuininga, was born at 2:52 am ... almost 24 hours after my water breaking and about 14 hours of induced labour.  At one point I told Josh that "I quit".  He thought I was serious and was even a bit worried.  For those of you who know me, I rarely quit anything because it is too hard.  I persevere and tough it out but this labour and birth ordeal .... whew!  And, yes, I know there are many many women who have laboured much longer and harder than me.  But, praise the Lord, our son was healthy and big (9lb1oz) and loud (he is still loud!).  No worries or health concerns to speak of -- Josh was able to deliver him, cut the cord and hand him up to me. What a moment of pure relief and joy to hold my newborn son just seconds after he was born.   Overwhelming.  


What a miracle.  A miracle that I look back on often and fondly, yes, even the labour and birth part.  I never want to forget what it felt like to see and hear his heartbeat at only six weeks pregnant, to feel those flutters of movement early in pregnancy, to see Kailyn's eyes grow big with wonder as she looked upon my bare belly and kissed her new baby sibling goodnight each bedtime, to tell Kailyn, on the morning of my water breaking, that today is the day she will finally become a big sister.

"Today Mommy?"

"Today." 

April 

My favourite people in the world!

 

I'll Never Be Pregnant Again (Part Three)

Life moves forward even when you are hurting.  Isn't that the truth?

But move on it did.  My job at the seminary was waiting for me and Josh's studies continued on - no time for crawling deep under the duvet and sleeping my life away.  We still knew we wanted to have children but we felt that God had spoken clearly on not pursuing anymore fertility treatments.

We decided to look into adoption.  God blessed us richly in allowing the adoption process to move smoothly and relatively quickly (of course, it didn't feel like it in the midst of all the paperwork and all the waiting!). Our dream of becoming parents was fulfilled when we received the phone call from our social worker announcing the birth of our daughter, Kailyn. [Read more about her adoption story in earlier posts].  This journey was not without its difficulties but when we received that call, all was erased.  When I look at her beautiful little face, my heart melts with joy and thanksgiving. 

This is where our story becomes a little complicated.  We were convinced that fertility treatments were not for us but after being encouraged by the editor of "Stepping Stones" -- a magazine ministry for couples struggling with infertility -- we decided to look into it again.  http://step.bethany.org/ (This was about a year after our failed treatment and after we had been approved for an adoption, but before Kailyn.)  At our appointment with a local Christian fertility doctor, he said that he could see no reason why our embryos didn't make it and that if we tried IVF again and it failed, that there would be no charge for his services.  This was quite the offer -- we're talking thousands of dollars.  We were overwhelmed.  I sat in the car and cried.  I was confused -- why would God slam the door in my face and then swing it wide open not a year later with an offer that would be difficult to refuse?  After much praying and questioning, we decided to go for it.  I couldn't believe we were sailing this boat again -- hormones, needles, blood work, ultra sounds ... and like last time, I experienced the whole gamut of emotions from hope to despair, from "this has to work" to "there is no way this can work" and, "what in the world am I doing?!"

Long story short -- we were blessed with embryos!  The day came to transfer the first two into my womb followed by two days of complete bedrest.  A few days later, we brought Kailyn home.  A few days later, I found out I was pregnant.  This was overwhelming.  So much joy.

Then, I miscarried.

The intense joy I felt holding my newborn baby girl was contrasted with the intense grief I felt as I miscarried the two babes in my womb.  To clarify, we miscarried very early on the pregnancy -- in fact, we lost these two before most women would even know they were pregnant.  But this detail didn't matter to me ... they were lives lost.  I was already planning for utter chaos with two (or three) babies under the age of one!  Devastated, Kailyn became my lifeline, a balm for my hurting heart.  She was pure joy to me.  Thank God.

The story continues ... a year later we transferred more embryos.  Once again, I was pregnant but miscarried early on.

Another year passed and we decided to transfer the final embryos.  I had little to no hope that this was going to work and so had already moved forward to begin another adoption.  We had completed our PRIDE training, registered with two agencies and had begun thinking about other options for adding children to our family.  Perhaps I forgot to invite God into this process.

The transfer came and went.  I did my days of bedrest and was careful to follow all the doctors instructions as I waited out the twelve longest days ever. The day of the blood test arrived and I expected them to say "sorry, your fertility journey is over".  I had already hardened my heart and prepped my mind for the news.

But the news I expected, didn't come.  In fact, it was the opposite.  I was pregnant and not just a little bit pregnant, a lot pregnant!   As the next week or two came and went, my body embraced and grew the baby in my womb rather than miscarrying it like the previous times.  I said the words, "I am pregnant" out loud to myself many times over the next few weeks.  

I was pregnant.

For real.

God's plan was working out in my life exactly as He intended it to -- before the foundations of the world were laid, God had my little life worked out to the finest detail.  But let me be clear -- God grieved alongside me as I mourned (and still mourn) the lives of my wee ones I did not meet here on earth.  And he rejoices with me as he perfectly formed the little one I now chase around my house.

God is a God of big and small.  So small that at a six week ultrasound when my baby was only six millimeters long, we could hear and see his heart beating on the screen.  Wow!  How could I doubt his faithfulness and devotion to me, his child?


Child of God, 
April

I'll Never Be Pregnant Again (Part Two)

So I left off the last post with our diagnosis of infertility.  It is a hard word to say out loud.  It is hard to say, "We are infertile" ... or ... "We struggle with our fertility."  I have a hard time saying it out loud even to myself, today.  But this is our reality and one that we tackled head on.

Due to the nature of our infertility we were able to skip much of what other couples need to wade through with Clomid and the IUI treatments.  We went straight to IVF.  IVF stands for In Vitro Fertilization.  Romantic and intimate right?!  We quickly learned that this is the most not fun way to get pregnant ever.  And because of our situation, we had another set of letters (and costs) to add to the IVF -- ICSI (which basically means that the lab tech chooses one super sperm to inject into one egg rather than setting a bunch of them free to fight over the egg in the petri dish).   It all seemed easy on paper and while I noted the statistics on success, I felt sure that God would fulfill the desire of my heart with a baby in my womb.  I read as much info as I could and was convinced that because we had healthy eggs and sperm our miracle babies would be conceived and although it would be a different route than most couples, it would yield the same result: pregnancy and nine months later, a baby.  Repeat.

I was wrong.

Skip ahead a year or so when we were finally ready to start the first step of IVF.  This involves a lot of injections, blood work and appointments for ultrasounds and pokes early in the morning.  Because we were living in Michigan and our clinic was in Ontario, I did much of this first part on my own.  I drove the 45 minutes to my appointments in the dead of winter on days when even school buses were cancelled.  I was so determined to do this right and so emotional and hormonal I wouldn't have considered not going.  I was exhausted, missing my husband and home and high on hope.  I was a mess. 

Finally the day came to "harvest the eggs" -- isn't this a horrible thought?  Well, it was horrible in other ways too and while I was excited to see them extract egg after egg it was painful and I cried through the whole thing.  Now for the romantic part -- Josh and I weren't even there when each of our eggs was united with a sperm.  Definitely not how we imagined the conception of our first child!  We were hopeful and had our appointment set to have two of the embryos transferred a couple of days later.

My world crashed the next morning.  Still exhausted from all the medication, I slept in and was excited to receive the phone call to tell us how many embryos had developed and how they were growing.  Josh was out with a friend when the call came.  A lab technician, who didn't even refer to me by my name, was calling to tell me "not to bother coming in tomorrow because none of the embryos survived." 

That's it. 

In my mind, it was over.  A huge, steel, impenetrable door had been slammed in my face. 
                   In my dreams of being a mom. 
                   In my dreams of growing big with a child. 
                   In my dreams of nursing my baby. 
                   In my dreams of a little girl who looked just like me.
                   In my dreams of giving Josh a baby that carried his name.

Everything. 

I was numb and frankly, extremely angry.  How could God lead me through all of this (all the needles, the ultrasounds, the appointments, the dollars, the HOPE) and then say, "NO."

I cry as I sit and write this ... the pain of that day is still so real and sharp.  I didn't understand -- I had given up so much to follow God's call in our life and I couldn't grasp why He would refuse to give me a child.

Of course now I know now that if we had conceived that day, Kailyn would not have been mine.  I can't imagine my life without her passion and intensity, her imagination and downright stubbornness.  She sure doesn't look like me, but oh, she is my daughter inside and out! 

God is faithful. 

April 

My girl on her first day of school.

I'll Never Be Pregnant Again (Part One)

It's true ... I will never carry another child in my womb.  This is a hard statement for me.  But this also seems to be a hard statement for others to hear too. 

I wanted to share a little bit about our fertility, or infertility, journey over the years but first let's be clear. Yes, I believe in miracles.  I believe in an almighty God who has the power and ability to heal our infertility.  I believe God could work a miracle in our bodies which would allow me to carry another biological child.  I just don't think that is God's plan for us. 

Infertility is a hard road to travel.  Consider the average couple ... they marry, they continue to pursue their careers and after about two years of wedded bliss (!!) they think about having a baby.   Everyone else also thinks about them having a baby.  That's when the questions begin ...  "so, are you going to start your family soon?" "You guys would make cute babies." "You'll be great parents!" Hint hint, wink wink.  

So, the couple begins to 'try' or be less careful about not getting pregnant.  It seems to me that most of these 'trying' couples get pregnant within two-three months or perhaps a bit longer.  Everyone is happy and pleasantly surprised.  Let the baby showers and pregnancy stories roll.  This is how it is supposed to be.  

Of course, in many cases this is not how it goes.  A couple may get pregnant unexpectedly and they really do feel unprepared, a couple may get pregnant and miscarry that precious child at only a few weeks, the couple may have been trying for a long time before they can announce their pregnancy and sometimes, it doesn't happen at all.  Sometimes, even though everything appears to be in order and the couple appears to be okay with all the "you'd make a great mom" comments, the road to pregnancy is becoming cold, sterilized and just plain not fun.  Infertility. 

Infertility is defined as one year of trying to get pregnant without success.  A year is a long time when you have your heart set on something, especially when each month is marked by Aunt Flo.  Especially when every month someone else at church or in your circle of friends, announces their pregnancy or gives birth to a perfectly formed little person.  Especially when you continually are invited to baby showers and baptism celebrations.  Now don't get me wrong, babies are most definitely cause for celebration.  They are a gift from God.  I would never want to take joy away from a new mom or dad but oh, it is hard to be happy for someone else when you are so sad for yourself. 

Josh and I were no different.  Josh had finally convinced me that we were ready to have kids.  I always wanted to have a big family and Josh did too.  We figured it would be easy -- easy like it was for everyone else.  We had never heard anyone talk about infertility and had no idea it would take over our lives with such intensity only a few months into trying to get pregnant.  Because I am an information junkie, I read everything I could find on the best days to get pregnant, what my body was supposed to feel like and how I would know I was pregnant.  It only took about three months and I knew something was wrong.  So, off to the doctors we went and things progressed from there.  We proceeded to complete a battery of tests, bloodwork and procedures and soon the cause of our infertility was determined.  

Infertility.  Me.  Now.  It hurts.

Now what?  
Who can we share this with?  
Why would God give me this deep desire to be a mom if I can't see how it is ever going to happen?
Why is this happening to me? to us? and no one else? (this is a lie, it happens to lots of people)

Infertility.  Me.  Still.  It hurts.


April

Encouraged (and a little discouraged)

We met with our adoption agency yesterday.  I left the meeting feeling mostly encouraged and excited.

Encouraged because our contact person there is wonderful and easy to talk to.  She is experienced, informative, open and honest.  We felt welcomed and comfortable immediately.  She gave us helpful feedback on our profile and is excited that we are now on the ACTIVE WAITING LIST!!  Yup, so as soon as I get our profile to her, she can show us to prospective birth parents.  Great news! 

She told us we were a great adoptive family -- most of the families on the waiting list are between 35-45 years old, so we are just spring chickens :)  And because we are a multiracial family. it opens doors for us.  This is neat because our pediatrician and social worker for Kailyn told us that it was highly unusual for a black woman to choose a white family to raise her child.  We feel so honoured that Kailyn's birthmom looked at who we are and what we value as a couple rather than just at the colour of our skin.  Wow.  

I feel just a little discouraged because the active waiting list is long and there are not many adoptions happening in Ontario in general.  Adoption is simply not looked upon as an option in many situations.  This is an interesting trend to reflect on ... why aren't men and women who don't feel ready or capable to parent a child choosing to parent or abort their child rather than thinking about adoption?  This issue is complicated and I won't claim to understand it.  It baffles me and makes my heart sad.  

Anyways ... the waiting part of this journey is just around the corner.  As many of you know, I am terrible at waiting.  As I prepare to wait, I thank God for all his gifts to me.  All the things that will make the waiting easier -- a husband who loves me and supports and encourages me to develop my gifts, two little ones who make me laugh everyday and whose favourite word must be "mommy" to which I must respond with, "yes?" or "what?" and a variety of activities that fill my schedule each week. 

But, in the quiet of the end of the day, my heart and arms ache for my child.  Where is he/she?  When will he/she come home to me? to us?  Is he/she safe?  Is his or her birth mom safe?  All questions I do my best to lay at the feet of my heavenly Father.  He knows the answers.

Blessings, 

April

Adoption Stories

While we wait for the next steps in our adoption story, I thought I'd share and point to a couple of other adoption stories that I am privileged to be following.  

The first is a family that I've actually never met before but the mom and I have been messaging via facebook for a few months now.  They too are a pastor's family and went to seminary just before we did so we have much in common from the get go.  The exciting part at this point in their journey is that they are currently IN South Africa meeting and adjusting to their new daughter, a two and half year old little beauty with hair just like Kailyn's!  They have been working on this adoption for three and half years and even endured a time where the doors between Canada and South Africa were closed and no adoptions were moving forward.   Their story is inspiring and God-honouring as they give God the glory time and time again.  Check out their story at:  journeytobelonging.blogspot.ca

The second is the adoption journey of a dear friend.  I met Heather and her family at seminary -- they lived in the apartment upstairs from us and we saw each other almost everyday.  We ran together (it is her fault that I am now a runner!), visited outside while our kids played, babysat each other's kids and spent many evenings sewing, watching movies and chatting together.   Her and her husband, a university professor, have four busy beautiful children and have a child in Eastern Europe who is waiting to come home to them.  Heather, in my eyes, is a super mom.  She is going to be running a marathon this fall, she homeschools her children, she is an active member in their church and her husband is currently producing a movie while teaching a full course load which means he is gone a lot.  She does all of these things well and when I asked her how in the world she was going to welcome a fifth child into their lives, she shrugged and said she didn't know BUT that God has clearly called them to be this child's family and that was that.  You can check out Heather's story here: cafeaumommy.blogspot.ca

This brings me to my final comments ... 

God is working powerfully in the hearts of his people.  He is bringing children home to their forever families in many ways everyday.  These are only two stories of the many I have heard over the years and I am still awed.  I get goosebumps when someone shares an adoption story with me.  I am thrilled when someone tells me they are considering adoption or foster care.  I am always pleasantly surprised when I receive an email, phone call or facebook message from someone with questions about adoption.  I love hearing how God has called them to take a child, a stranger with a history they don't necessarily know, and love them unconditionally for the rest of their lives no matter how hard or easy it might be.

I really really love adoption.

Blessings, 
April

Homestudy Complete

Our homestudy is finally complete!  Insert "Yahoo!" here :)   This comes with both a sigh of relief and a little nervousness as we continue to move forward in this adoption journey.   A sigh of relief because the homestudy is a big job and not cheap (around $3000).  Nervousness because I know that the homestudy is part of the process we can control -- we are the ones who have to get the checklist completed and so the ball can roll as fast or as slow as we please.  The time is coming where the ball will not be in our court anymore and we simply have to wait.  This makes me nervous and even, dare I say it, anxious.  I am not good at waiting! 

Our homestudy took us about five months from our submission of our application to the signed copy in our hands.  This was mostly due to me working and not having much extra time for the paperwork required.  Let me give you a brief overview of what the homestudy consists of:

Initial application and payment (our practitioner required payment up front)
SAFE Questionnaire which consisted of 16 pages of questions that each of us had to fill out 
Medical Report completed by our family doctor for each of us
Local Police Clearance 
RCMP fingerprinting
Child Welfare Agency Record Check (from two different agencies)
Financial Statement
Home Safety Checklist
10 Reference Letters/Checklists

We also met with our practitioner a number of times.  We interviewed as a couple and  in her office as well as had her visit us in our home so she could both meet our children and see where we live.  

The final document is 26 pages (single-spaced!!)which covers our basic demographic stats, our motivation for adopting another child, our physical appearances, personalities, interests/hobbies and future goals, our family lifestyle, household rules, roles and expectations, our experience and views on discipline, our pets, our recreational, social and religious activities, and information on our home and community.  This is only the first half of the document!  The second half consists of our childhood and family history, education and employment history and our marital relationship.  We were also asked many questions about the personalities of our children and our extended family relationships.  The final few pages cover our finances, short and long-term planning for our family as well as reflecting on what we learned at our PRIDE training (issues like separation and loss, attachment and bonding, cross cultural issues and available resources) and awareness of open adoption. 

Whew!   No wonder it took five months to collect and organize. 

It is interesting to read about your life written out objectively and knowing that this is what the Ministry of Children and Youth Services will be using when they decide whether or not to approve an adoption placement.   At the end of our homestudy there is a simple statement that opens the door: 

"It is recommended that Joshua Clarence Tuininga and April Joy Tuininga 

be approved for adoption."  

And while this seems like the obvious conclusion, it is an important and satisfying one as well.  

I have an adoptive mom friend who tells me that if she is feeling down about herself and is struggling as a parent, she simply reads her homestudy.  It reminds her of all her good traits she has as an individual and as a mother.  It refreshes and encourages her.   What a great way to look at this huge document! 

Our next big deal is our consultation with our adoption agency which will happen in the next few weeks.  Please continue to pray for our family, our future child (and his/her birth parents) and all the folks involved in making our dream a reality.  

Blessings, 
April