JOY in Pregnancy

Heads up to all readers who are grieving and in pain due to infertility (primary or secondary) and miscarriages, and other related things ... this is a post about pregnancy.  If you are at all like me and your ability to handle the pain varies depending on what's going on in your life, please read this when you are in a good spot.  Hearing about other people's pregnancies is not easy -- it may never be and that's ok.  

Here we go ...

My one and only pregnancy journey had started -- not the way I thought it would mind you, but I was pregnant and excited to grow and feel this child inside me.  What a miracle.   We waited until we were about 13 weeks before sharing our news with family and friends.  Wowsers -- that was fun!  It was amazing to hear the wonder and excitement from everyone, this little one was so unexpected and yet so loved already.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to really enjoy every aspect of being pregnant.  Some days I admit it was hard not to complain about the various things that go along with pregnancy.  I felt nauseous off and on for the first few weeks but nothing I couldn't handle.  I began gaining weight but at a regular rate consistent with my weeks of pregnancy so that was fine too.  I was ok wearing my flip flops to every wedding we attended that summer (there were about ten!).  I actually enjoyed shopping for maternity clothes and pouring over the buckets of goodies my girlfriends brought over for me to try on.  I enjoyed getting bigger and have people smile at me while out and about.  There is something glorious and beautiful about being pregnant.  Of course, there were days when I wondered what I had gotten myself into -- especially nearing the end.  This baby had to come out ... and from my knowledge, through a space that was not very big.  That was slightly concerning but I figured that women all over the world do it everyday with way less technology and medical help than I would be offered.

I loved feeling my baby move in my belly.  Of course, now knowing this child and seeing his personality develop, it makes perfect sense that he would push and shove his way into places where his little feet and big head shouldn't be making it uncomfortable to sleep or paint my toenails or get my socks on.  But I would spend hours just watching my stomach move in impossible ways and feeling his hands and feet push out in attempt to make more space within.

I loved going to my midwife appointments and hearing his heart beating through the fetal heart monitor.

I enjoyed the prenatal classes even though they were filled with nervous and excited (and young!)  parents-to-be and most of the stuff I already knew (at least I thought I knew!).

I loved preparing the baby's nursery.

I loved imagining what gender this baby would be (almost everyone told me it would be a boy) and what his/her name would be and who it would look like.

Off we go to have this baby.

I loved reading pregnancy books -- although I admit I skipped most of the labour and birth parts (possibly a bad idea in hindsight).

There was much to love about being pregnant and I am so thankful I got to experience it.  I really didn't think it would ever happen to me and I still grieve the fact that I will never be pregnant again (see earlier posts!).    

Labour and birth.  What more to say.  I am actually a little bit thankful that I never have to do that again.  I marvel at women who choose to experience labour and birth more than once!  What are they thinking?!  They tell me it gets easier every time but still, it must hurt every time!

Moments after birth.

Our son, Jude Harm Petros Tuininga, was born at 2:52 am ... almost 24 hours after my water breaking and about 14 hours of induced labour.  At one point I told Josh that "I quit".  He thought I was serious and was even a bit worried.  For those of you who know me, I rarely quit anything because it is too hard.  I persevere and tough it out but this labour and birth ordeal .... whew!  And, yes, I know there are many many women who have laboured much longer and harder than me.  But, praise the Lord, our son was healthy and big (9lb1oz) and loud (he is still loud!).  No worries or health concerns to speak of -- Josh was able to deliver him, cut the cord and hand him up to me. What a moment of pure relief and joy to hold my newborn son just seconds after he was born.   Overwhelming.  


What a miracle.  A miracle that I look back on often and fondly, yes, even the labour and birth part.  I never want to forget what it felt like to see and hear his heartbeat at only six weeks pregnant, to feel those flutters of movement early in pregnancy, to see Kailyn's eyes grow big with wonder as she looked upon my bare belly and kissed her new baby sibling goodnight each bedtime, to tell Kailyn, on the morning of my water breaking, that today is the day she will finally become a big sister.

"Today Mommy?"

"Today." 

April 

My favourite people in the world!