Rest.
What? Rest.
I know what you are thinking ... maybe it goes something like this,
"If I didn't have kids, I could rest."
"If I didn't have a job, I could rest."
"If my house magically cleaned itself, I could rest."
"If my husband did more, I could rest."
"If there were more hours in a day, I could rest."
"If there weren't so many errands to run, I could rest."
"If I could just shut off my phone, I could rest."
The list goes on and on and on with more reasons than I can imagine.
I will be the first to say that I don't rest well. I have opportunity to go to bed early many nights. I am tired enough to crash by 10 (but I don't). I am not a neat freak so I'm okay with chores left undone, and my husband is one of those kinds who does dishes, helps put kids to bed, encourages me to follow my career dreams and even to go to the gym (!!) so some of those excuses I listed above don't work for me. So, what then?
I read a devotional today that directed me to Psalm 62:5. Here's what it says, "Find REST, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Hmmmm. That seems pretty straightforward. Genius even -- why didn't I think of that?
It got me thinking. How do I find rest PHYSICALLY in God alone? MENTALLY in God alone? EMOTIONALLY in God alone? SPIRITUALLY in God alone?
To be honest, I don't know the answers but I do know that God's got me. He created me, he gave me intellect, drive and determination, he blessed me with a husband, children and a home, and, whether I acknowledge it or not, he is always by my side in good times and bad. I really can put my hope in him. I have no reason not to.
I challenge you to think about you can answer the question of rest in these areas of your life. What does rest practically look like physically, mentally emotionally and spiritually? What would be the harm in adjusting your routine and your mindset a little bit here and there? Maybe get up a little earlier? Maybe go for a walk or run? Maybe teach your children how to do some of the daily chores? Maybe give your phone a break to rest too?!
2019 is just beginning and there is much to do but I know you're already tired. I am. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." It's a promise.
Rest well.
April
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
He's Here and He's Lovely
It has been a while since I've written and for good reason. Lucas Joshua Tuininga arrived in all his glory on Sunday, October 4 at 11:08 am. He weighed a whopping 9lbs and hasn't stopped eating since. He is now four months old and weighs in at 15lbs 2 oz and is showing more of his personality everyday. We are so blessed. Sometimes I look into his big blue eyes and marvel at his perfection. God is good.
You want the birth story? It's pretty straight forward and everything I prayed for it to be even with a couple of complications near the end. I'll spare you the details! I wasn't sure what going into labour without being induced would feel like so early Sunday morning when I woke around 5 am I thought, "mmm, these could be contractions". Yup, they were and they progressed quickly. My mom was summoned, another pastor called to preach (because of course, Lucas knows his daddy's Sunday mornings are generally busy) and our midwife waited for us at the hospital. A friend came to the rescue to watch the two big kids and we were off.
Everything progressed as it is supposed to -- I even was able to read my book between contractions for an hour or so! Around 10, I heard my midwife on the phone with the anesthesiologist saying I didn't need an epidural. What?! She said I could do it without and in hindsight, she was right although that last hour was pretty intense. My water was broke and labour continued in all seriousness. The next hour was excruciating ... but ended with a baby who decided a few more minutes in the womb would be good accompanied by a few minutes of panic but resulting in a beautifully perfect wee man born with his fist tight to his head and placed on my chest. There was a few more minutes of action before everything settled down and I was encouraged to hand back the laughing gas -- which by the way, doesn't reduce or numb the pain but certainly made me breathe through it all. It was over and my baby, my SON, was here without blemish and in excellent health.
We were able to come home the next day once his blood sugars stabilized and it's been non-stop since. Lucas, while adorable and handsome, is a fussy baby. For the first two months he wanted to be held almost all the time and often even when held, he cried. I was exhausted and give thanks to God for an amazing husband, mostly well behaved big kids and family and friends who brought food and kept me company. I am especially thankful for our moms who came for days at a time and kept my household going. But through it all, all I can think of is how amazing this small person who dominates my world is.
I am so in love with this baby and fall more in love with him everyday. He smiles with his whole body -- especially his eyes. My husband calls him, "My boy!" and is a natural with this tiny human. His big sister adores and mothers him gently encouraging him to talk and smile (always asking me to, "watch this mom!") and is always willing to hold him even if he is crying. His big brother squeezes his legs and whacks him with stuffed animals eliciting belly laughs from both boys. I watch all with a full heart.
But three kids ... whew!
~ I wondered how my heart would be able to love a third child as much as the first two.
It does.
~ I wondered how I would be able to put all three kids to bed on my own on occasion.
I do.
~ I wondered how I would have the strength to get through each day in one piece.
I do (mostly).
~ I wondered how my arms could hold three little people.
They do.
~ I wondered how groceries and meals would appear in my fridge and on my table.
They do.
Everyday is a gift from God and while I still wonder about a lot of things, I know that He is by my side through both the intensity and calmness of motherhood. Each day is an adventure and we are getting the hang of being a family of five.
Lucas is here and he's lovely.
April
You want the birth story? It's pretty straight forward and everything I prayed for it to be even with a couple of complications near the end. I'll spare you the details! I wasn't sure what going into labour without being induced would feel like so early Sunday morning when I woke around 5 am I thought, "mmm, these could be contractions". Yup, they were and they progressed quickly. My mom was summoned, another pastor called to preach (because of course, Lucas knows his daddy's Sunday mornings are generally busy) and our midwife waited for us at the hospital. A friend came to the rescue to watch the two big kids and we were off.
Everything progressed as it is supposed to -- I even was able to read my book between contractions for an hour or so! Around 10, I heard my midwife on the phone with the anesthesiologist saying I didn't need an epidural. What?! She said I could do it without and in hindsight, she was right although that last hour was pretty intense. My water was broke and labour continued in all seriousness. The next hour was excruciating ... but ended with a baby who decided a few more minutes in the womb would be good accompanied by a few minutes of panic but resulting in a beautifully perfect wee man born with his fist tight to his head and placed on my chest. There was a few more minutes of action before everything settled down and I was encouraged to hand back the laughing gas -- which by the way, doesn't reduce or numb the pain but certainly made me breathe through it all. It was over and my baby, my SON, was here without blemish and in excellent health.
We were able to come home the next day once his blood sugars stabilized and it's been non-stop since. Lucas, while adorable and handsome, is a fussy baby. For the first two months he wanted to be held almost all the time and often even when held, he cried. I was exhausted and give thanks to God for an amazing husband, mostly well behaved big kids and family and friends who brought food and kept me company. I am especially thankful for our moms who came for days at a time and kept my household going. But through it all, all I can think of is how amazing this small person who dominates my world is. 
I am so in love with this baby and fall more in love with him everyday. He smiles with his whole body -- especially his eyes. My husband calls him, "My boy!" and is a natural with this tiny human. His big sister adores and mothers him gently encouraging him to talk and smile (always asking me to, "watch this mom!") and is always willing to hold him even if he is crying. His big brother squeezes his legs and whacks him with stuffed animals eliciting belly laughs from both boys. I watch all with a full heart. But three kids ... whew!
~ I wondered how my heart would be able to love a third child as much as the first two.
It does.
~ I wondered how I would be able to put all three kids to bed on my own on occasion.
I do.
~ I wondered how I would have the strength to get through each day in one piece.
I do (mostly).
~ I wondered how my arms could hold three little people.
They do.
~ I wondered how groceries and meals would appear in my fridge and on my table.
They do.
Everyday is a gift from God and while I still wonder about a lot of things, I know that He is by my side through both the intensity and calmness of motherhood. Each day is an adventure and we are getting the hang of being a family of five. 
Lucas is here and he's lovely.
April
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
God's Grace and Beauty
Here is the link for the post I wrote on a friend's blog a couple of months ago. It is complete with the gorgeous photographs she took of my family while we took some much needed rest up at our trailer near Bracebridge.
Please click the link and enjoy.
Blessings,
April
http://kristinpeereboom.com/2015/09/22/guest-post-expecting-beauty-muskoka-maternity-family-photographer/
Please click the link and enjoy.
Blessings,
April
http://kristinpeereboom.com/2015/09/22/guest-post-expecting-beauty-muskoka-maternity-family-photographer/
Monday, May 11, 2015
You Won't Believe It
Sometimes I still don't believe it. I AM PREGNANT. Yup, 19 weeks -- almost halfway. This is unbelievable news ... I still feel funny saying that we are expecting a baby even though we've been praying and hoping and waiting and aching to announce such news for a long time. Even though my belly is rounding out nicely and my regular clothes no longer fit. Even though I can feel little pokes and jabs from the baby wiggling around inside me.
Of course, there is much more to this statement. As per usual in the journey of building our family, there are many more people involved.
We have the incredible privilege of being chosen by a selfless couple to carry and parent their child. We are pregnant by way of embryo adoption.
The reactions have been varied but always positive. Most often our news has been met with, "Wow! That's awesome!" followed closely by, "What is embryo adoption?" In a nutshell, embryo adoption is like a regular adoption except nine months sooner. Neither the egg nor the sperm belong to us biologically so this child is completely genetically unrelated to us - but I have the privilege of carrying this child in my womb until he/she is ready to make its appearance on or around October 5, 2015. We consider it adoption because our donor family chose us based on our homestudy and family profile and we accepted based on much of the same information available to us. We worked with a social worker via our adoption agency and a lawyer to finalize and legalize our adoption of the embryos we now have in our care. We plan to have an open adoption with our donor family for which we are thankful.
Did we plan on building our family this way? Did I ever think I would have the amazing experience of being pregnant again? Did I ever think I would be preparing for labour and delivery and recovery again? NO! After Jude we firmly closed the door on further treatments believing that God would have us build our family through more traditional routes of adoption. We had hoped to never see the inside of a fertility clinic again. This just goes to show me again that God is in control.
And I am surprised - again.
I am blown away - again - by this incredible and awesome plan for my life that I couldn't have imagined possible.
I am overwhelmed - again - by God's answer to the thousands of prayers I have prayed over the past ten years for children.
I am humbled - again - that God has allowed my body to be the life-giving source of this child's growth and that this child will call me "mommy".
I am thankful - again. Over and over I am rendered speechless by gratitude and thankfulness to the creator of the universe for answering my prayers in a way that I could not have dreamed about in the most outrageous of dreams.
Wow.
April
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Praying Like Crazy
I started a prayer journal. So often people ask for prayer and I quickly say that of course I will pray for them ... but then, do I? Getting the idea from a friend (who said I was the first entry in her new prayer journal!!) I decided that this new year was a good time to start writing down the names of people who ask me to pray for them as well as needs that I see in my family and community. In just the act of writing down their names they get at least one prayer uttered from my heart. And then as time goes on, I hope that I will be able to go back over the list and jot down notes as to how those prayers were answered or if they remain on my list.
Interestingly, as we continue to wait for a child, at least five other families have asked me to pray for their process of adoption as well. Some are joyfully welcoming new children into their families as I write ... others are feeling the burden and opposition of waiting and still others are anxiously awaiting approval of documents and test results.
On the other hand, many friends have told me that they are, and I quote, "praying like crazy" for us as we wait with hopeful hearts. I am blown away. I need prayer. Everyday. Or the feeling of sinking slowly but surely takes over. Isn't it amazing how we can gather around each other and support and encourage each other so simply? It is because of these crazy prayers that I feel like I can continue to wait well.
What does it mean to wait well? I am not sure.
Does it mean being so busy there is no time to think of what you don't have?
Does it mean to surround yourself with people and get lost in their lives?
Does it mean to ignore the feelings of your heart and the thoughts of your mind when
really all you want to do is obsess and rationalize the wait?
Does it mean that you talk yourself out of the importance of what you wait for?
Does it mean to submit to the burden of waiting and wallow in it?
I am not sure. For me, I don't want to miss life while I wait. I want to enjoy the things God has given me today. First and foremost I want to enjoy the children God has given me. To be honest, after our infertility diagnosis, I didn't think I'd ever be the mama of a newborn but God has given me not one, but two children --- given to me at their births. Amazing -- for that reason alone I can wait well. Second, there are so many people who need me and who need my prayers, my company, my gifts ... there is much work for me to do. Not necessarily to distract me from my waiting but to fill my life with good things, with good relationships, and with hobbies and activities that I enjoy.
Anxiety, worry, nervousness, guilt ... these are not things that I enjoy experiencing and so I pray myself out of them. And if I can't pray for a release from these feelings myself I've got numerous people, "praying like crazy" to help me out.
Please ... pray like crazy for someone today. You have no idea how far the ripples of that prayer will go!
In prayer,
April
Interestingly, as we continue to wait for a child, at least five other families have asked me to pray for their process of adoption as well. Some are joyfully welcoming new children into their families as I write ... others are feeling the burden and opposition of waiting and still others are anxiously awaiting approval of documents and test results.
On the other hand, many friends have told me that they are, and I quote, "praying like crazy" for us as we wait with hopeful hearts. I am blown away. I need prayer. Everyday. Or the feeling of sinking slowly but surely takes over. Isn't it amazing how we can gather around each other and support and encourage each other so simply? It is because of these crazy prayers that I feel like I can continue to wait well.
What does it mean to wait well? I am not sure.
Does it mean being so busy there is no time to think of what you don't have?
Does it mean to surround yourself with people and get lost in their lives?
Does it mean to ignore the feelings of your heart and the thoughts of your mind when
really all you want to do is obsess and rationalize the wait?
Does it mean that you talk yourself out of the importance of what you wait for?
Does it mean to submit to the burden of waiting and wallow in it?
I am not sure. For me, I don't want to miss life while I wait. I want to enjoy the things God has given me today. First and foremost I want to enjoy the children God has given me. To be honest, after our infertility diagnosis, I didn't think I'd ever be the mama of a newborn but God has given me not one, but two children --- given to me at their births. Amazing -- for that reason alone I can wait well. Second, there are so many people who need me and who need my prayers, my company, my gifts ... there is much work for me to do. Not necessarily to distract me from my waiting but to fill my life with good things, with good relationships, and with hobbies and activities that I enjoy.
Anxiety, worry, nervousness, guilt ... these are not things that I enjoy experiencing and so I pray myself out of them. And if I can't pray for a release from these feelings myself I've got numerous people, "praying like crazy" to help me out.
Please ... pray like crazy for someone today. You have no idea how far the ripples of that prayer will go!
In prayer,
April
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Building Families
Once again, it has been a long time since I've written. To be honest, I've felt a little stuck. Our adoption road passed the year mark of being approved and fully registered at a private adoption agency and not even a bite on the hook. Discouraging to say the least.
BUT ...
There is hope. Families are built in lots of different ways and I am realizing that I am privileged to be privy to many exciting family building stories. These stories serve as not so gentle reminders for me. Reminders to continue to trust in the Lord, to trust my gut instinct on the path we are on, to be happy - no ecstatic - for friends, family and acquaintances who share their news of children joining their lives.
Let me share some of these stories with you ... to give you hope, to make your heart happy and to know that even when you feel your world is crumbling, there are children going home to their forever families everyday.
Young friends of ours were recently chosen to adopt two children from a local children's services agency. Talk about crash course in parenting!
Church friends who were given a less than 1% chance of ever getting pregnant recently shared with us that they are indeed expecting a baby -- au naturel!
A friend's sister and her husband, after experiencing many years of wanting to be parents, were chosen by a birthmom this past summer. They rushed home from vacation to be at the birth of their son.
Long time friends decided to give fertility treatments one more go and recently gave birth to a healthy (and adorable) little boy.
Seminary friends, after experiencing the international adoption of their son, are adopting embryos with hopes of being able to experience pregnancy and birth.
An old friend, after experiencing fertility issues early on in her marriage, just announced that she is pregnant with twins!
A pastor wife friend was able to travel overseas with her whole family to add a fourth child to their brood. It hasn't been easy but checking out their family photos it is clear that this child is finally home and thriving.
The stories and announcements will keep coming. Of course, I know many couples who are waiting -- us included. We are waiting for the day that they get the phone call that changes our lives forever. I don't know when your phone will ring with good news or when the test will come back positive but I want to encourage you to hang in there. No one can promise you that the dream of adding a child or two to your family will come true but you can be sure that there is a God who loves you and who cries those aching tears with you. He is holding you in the palm of his hand. He has been faithful in the past and he will remain faithful in the future.
Yours in waiting,
April
BUT ...
There is hope. Families are built in lots of different ways and I am realizing that I am privileged to be privy to many exciting family building stories. These stories serve as not so gentle reminders for me. Reminders to continue to trust in the Lord, to trust my gut instinct on the path we are on, to be happy - no ecstatic - for friends, family and acquaintances who share their news of children joining their lives.
Let me share some of these stories with you ... to give you hope, to make your heart happy and to know that even when you feel your world is crumbling, there are children going home to their forever families everyday.
Young friends of ours were recently chosen to adopt two children from a local children's services agency. Talk about crash course in parenting!
Church friends who were given a less than 1% chance of ever getting pregnant recently shared with us that they are indeed expecting a baby -- au naturel!
A friend's sister and her husband, after experiencing many years of wanting to be parents, were chosen by a birthmom this past summer. They rushed home from vacation to be at the birth of their son.
Long time friends decided to give fertility treatments one more go and recently gave birth to a healthy (and adorable) little boy.
Seminary friends, after experiencing the international adoption of their son, are adopting embryos with hopes of being able to experience pregnancy and birth.
An old friend, after experiencing fertility issues early on in her marriage, just announced that she is pregnant with twins!
A pastor wife friend was able to travel overseas with her whole family to add a fourth child to their brood. It hasn't been easy but checking out their family photos it is clear that this child is finally home and thriving.
The stories and announcements will keep coming. Of course, I know many couples who are waiting -- us included. We are waiting for the day that they get the phone call that changes our lives forever. I don't know when your phone will ring with good news or when the test will come back positive but I want to encourage you to hang in there. No one can promise you that the dream of adding a child or two to your family will come true but you can be sure that there is a God who loves you and who cries those aching tears with you. He is holding you in the palm of his hand. He has been faithful in the past and he will remain faithful in the future.
Yours in waiting,
April
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I am Pro-Life
There, I said it. No apologies. No surprises.
But, what does it actually mean to be PRO-LIFE? I have been thinking a lot lately about this question. Lots of ideas and thoughts have gone through my mind and I want to try to articulate some of them so bear with me as I sort through some of them (this is just the beginning!).
Clearly it means to protect life ... to advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. It means to make life a priority despite the challenges and difficulties that surround that life. I suppose much of it depends on what your definition of life is. I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. The union of one egg with one sperm equals life despite how tiny and incomprehensible it is. So even at this very early stage, I am pro-life. Science has made this question of life confusing and complicated which I think confuses and complicates how we articulate why and how we are pro-life. For me it is simple: protect life.
Here's a question: what are YOU doing to protect life? There are many answers I think and part of the reason for writing this post is to share some ideas on how you and I can actively protect life.
The easiest and least complicated is to simply give of your financial resources to pro-life organizations. These include pregnancy crisis centers, counseling agencies, provincial and nation-wide groups that advocate for pro-life (ie. the Campaign Life Coalition). I am sure there are right to life groups in your geographical location. They do great work and they are always in need of funding. They often offer counseling to moms and dads who don't know which direction to turn in, they help with the material needs a baby brings (diapers, clothing, formula, etc.) and they educate people.
Another relatively easy way to actively show that you are pro-life it to come along side someone who is fostering or adopting. These folks need support. They need emotional, mental and spiritual support as they deal with the ins and outs of the 'system', as they communicate with social workers and other professionals who work with the children and the birth families and as they love and parent the children they are fostering/adopting. This support could come in many forms: a phone call, a note of encouragement, an offer to babysit or even a play date! Sometimes they need financial support ... fostering and adopting can be expensive!
You could also come alongside a young mom who has decided to parent her child. Give thanks to God that she has chosen life despite how difficult a decision it was for her. Tell her that you are thankful she chose life for her child. You may not agree with her life choices but this is definitely one decision you can be glad she made. Encourage and support her whatever way you can. I am continually surprised that as pro-lifers we breathe a sigh of relief when a woman decides to carry her child to term rather than abort it ... but then what do we do? Often, nothing. We need to do something ... anything but leave her to fend for herself in a world where even two parent financially stable families struggle to raise kids.
A harder way to show you are pro-life is to foster or adopt a child. According to Focus on the Family there are more than 30,000 children in Canada waiting to belong to their forever family. The majority of these children are older (ages 5+) and there is a huge need for families to take these children into their hearts and homes and give them what they have not yet received in their short lives: a place to call home, forever.
And finally, education and awareness is key. Talking about being pro-life is one thing, doing something about it ... actually DOING something, is another. Be bold ... go out on a limb and I can guarantee you will be blessed.
What will you do? Do it today.
Blessings,
April
But, what does it actually mean to be PRO-LIFE? I have been thinking a lot lately about this question. Lots of ideas and thoughts have gone through my mind and I want to try to articulate some of them so bear with me as I sort through some of them (this is just the beginning!).
Clearly it means to protect life ... to advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. It means to make life a priority despite the challenges and difficulties that surround that life. I suppose much of it depends on what your definition of life is. I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. The union of one egg with one sperm equals life despite how tiny and incomprehensible it is. So even at this very early stage, I am pro-life. Science has made this question of life confusing and complicated which I think confuses and complicates how we articulate why and how we are pro-life. For me it is simple: protect life.
Here's a question: what are YOU doing to protect life? There are many answers I think and part of the reason for writing this post is to share some ideas on how you and I can actively protect life.
The easiest and least complicated is to simply give of your financial resources to pro-life organizations. These include pregnancy crisis centers, counseling agencies, provincial and nation-wide groups that advocate for pro-life (ie. the Campaign Life Coalition). I am sure there are right to life groups in your geographical location. They do great work and they are always in need of funding. They often offer counseling to moms and dads who don't know which direction to turn in, they help with the material needs a baby brings (diapers, clothing, formula, etc.) and they educate people.
Another relatively easy way to actively show that you are pro-life it to come along side someone who is fostering or adopting. These folks need support. They need emotional, mental and spiritual support as they deal with the ins and outs of the 'system', as they communicate with social workers and other professionals who work with the children and the birth families and as they love and parent the children they are fostering/adopting. This support could come in many forms: a phone call, a note of encouragement, an offer to babysit or even a play date! Sometimes they need financial support ... fostering and adopting can be expensive!
You could also come alongside a young mom who has decided to parent her child. Give thanks to God that she has chosen life despite how difficult a decision it was for her. Tell her that you are thankful she chose life for her child. You may not agree with her life choices but this is definitely one decision you can be glad she made. Encourage and support her whatever way you can. I am continually surprised that as pro-lifers we breathe a sigh of relief when a woman decides to carry her child to term rather than abort it ... but then what do we do? Often, nothing. We need to do something ... anything but leave her to fend for herself in a world where even two parent financially stable families struggle to raise kids.
A harder way to show you are pro-life is to foster or adopt a child. According to Focus on the Family there are more than 30,000 children in Canada waiting to belong to their forever family. The majority of these children are older (ages 5+) and there is a huge need for families to take these children into their hearts and homes and give them what they have not yet received in their short lives: a place to call home, forever.
And finally, education and awareness is key. Talking about being pro-life is one thing, doing something about it ... actually DOING something, is another. Be bold ... go out on a limb and I can guarantee you will be blessed.
What will you do? Do it today.
Blessings,
April
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Waiting ...
I am waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. And as I wait, I recall that I have been in this spot many times before.
... Waiting for the lab to call on the results of the most recent blood test.
... Waiting for the clinic to call to schedule the next appointment.
... Waiting for the pharmacy to call to tell me my stash of drugs for the next fertility treatment has arrived.
... Waiting for the adoption practitioner to schedule the next in a series of meetings.
... Waiting for a birthmom to choose me to be the mom for her child.
And now, right now, I am waiting ...
This poem helped me through each of those times of waiting and it is helping me now. If you are someone who is waiting for something ... I pray that it will give you words that your own heart and mind cannot form. I know it has for me.
Blessings,
April
... Waiting for the lab to call on the results of the most recent blood test.
... Waiting for the clinic to call to schedule the next appointment.
... Waiting for the pharmacy to call to tell me my stash of drugs for the next fertility treatment has arrived.
... Waiting for the adoption practitioner to schedule the next in a series of meetings.
... Waiting for a birthmom to choose me to be the mom for her child.
And now, right now, I am waiting ...
This poem helped me through each of those times of waiting and it is helping me now. If you are someone who is waiting for something ... I pray that it will give you words that your own heart and mind cannot form. I know it has for me.
Blessings,
April
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Minivan Mom
It has been a while since I've written but I wanted to share the exciting news that I've become a minivan mom. Yup, I joined the ranks of those moms (and dads too I guess!) who proudly park a large box-shaped, boring coloured vehicle in their driveway everyday.
Honestly, I never imagined myself driving a minivan ... Not sure why I thought that though. I always dreamed of having four children so obviously a larger vehicle would be in order - although my parents had four of us along with a variety of foster children over the years and never drove anything larger than an Oldsmobile. I digress ... along with that picture of a family of six, these children would ...
** quietly get themselves into their respective and designated spots in the vehicle
** buckle themselves in
** keep their socks and shoes on; and
** never ever chuck stuff at each other or drop their snacks on the floor.
Ok, so even with two children all of the above perfectness has dissolved into reality. A reality that I kind of like. Driving my new minivan is an adventure most days. Kailyn gets to decide where she would like to sit -- right now she is in the very back where Jude can't even see her let alone lob goldfish her way. She can buckle herself in thank goodness or I'd be getting a workout every time we had to get in or out of the van. I take bets on how many minutes it will take Jude to get his shoes and socks off even in the most wintery weather we've had this season (also on how many times I will have to put them back on in one outing OR how many dirty looks I get if I take him into a store/bank/post office without socks and shoes!!). My kids shout out "mine" when they see a horse, exclaim with joy, "I see a Canada flag" or "there's the river!" and a personal favourite, "What's that tractor doing on the road? It should be in a field". In our car they can't really see out the windows at all.
Kailyn is excited to pack all of our camping and trailer supplies in the van.
I don't bonk my head when getting Jude in and out of the van.
We can watch movies (on long trips) in the van (I am not sure if this is a perk or not yet).
The van, the van, the van. Thankful for my van.
But of course there is a darker side, besides the extra cash on gas! Ownership of a van reminds me that I can comfortably fit more people ... more kids. And right now I don't have more kids to fill up those seats. This might seem rather silly and most days I don't think too much about it, but it is definitely there, lurking in the back of my brain as I recite the lines of "Despicable Me 2" or hand yet more snacks to the bottomless pits behind me.
When will this wait be over? When will Kailyn be relegated to the back seat on a more permanent basis because there is a baby who needs the seat closest to the door? When will I get to install a car seat base for an infant seat and choose new fabric for a funky new diaper bag? When will I get to be the mom who looks like she drives a clown car because the kids are piling out of it? When?
Until that day when Tuininga kid #3 arrives, I rest in the fact that God knows my child already and knows the answer to all my questions. Until then, I will drive my minivan and I will like it!
April
Honestly, I never imagined myself driving a minivan ... Not sure why I thought that though. I always dreamed of having four children so obviously a larger vehicle would be in order - although my parents had four of us along with a variety of foster children over the years and never drove anything larger than an Oldsmobile. I digress ... along with that picture of a family of six, these children would ...
** quietly get themselves into their respective and designated spots in the vehicle
** buckle themselves in
** keep their socks and shoes on; and
** never ever chuck stuff at each other or drop their snacks on the floor.
Ok, so even with two children all of the above perfectness has dissolved into reality. A reality that I kind of like. Driving my new minivan is an adventure most days. Kailyn gets to decide where she would like to sit -- right now she is in the very back where Jude can't even see her let alone lob goldfish her way. She can buckle herself in thank goodness or I'd be getting a workout every time we had to get in or out of the van. I take bets on how many minutes it will take Jude to get his shoes and socks off even in the most wintery weather we've had this season (also on how many times I will have to put them back on in one outing OR how many dirty looks I get if I take him into a store/bank/post office without socks and shoes!!). My kids shout out "mine" when they see a horse, exclaim with joy, "I see a Canada flag" or "there's the river!" and a personal favourite, "What's that tractor doing on the road? It should be in a field". In our car they can't really see out the windows at all.
Kailyn is excited to pack all of our camping and trailer supplies in the van.
I don't bonk my head when getting Jude in and out of the van.
We can watch movies (on long trips) in the van (I am not sure if this is a perk or not yet).
The van, the van, the van. Thankful for my van.
But of course there is a darker side, besides the extra cash on gas! Ownership of a van reminds me that I can comfortably fit more people ... more kids. And right now I don't have more kids to fill up those seats. This might seem rather silly and most days I don't think too much about it, but it is definitely there, lurking in the back of my brain as I recite the lines of "Despicable Me 2" or hand yet more snacks to the bottomless pits behind me.
When will this wait be over? When will Kailyn be relegated to the back seat on a more permanent basis because there is a baby who needs the seat closest to the door? When will I get to install a car seat base for an infant seat and choose new fabric for a funky new diaper bag? When will I get to be the mom who looks like she drives a clown car because the kids are piling out of it? When?
Until that day when Tuininga kid #3 arrives, I rest in the fact that God knows my child already and knows the answer to all my questions. Until then, I will drive my minivan and I will like it!
April
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Reflections on Life and Death
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about life. Specifically about my life.
How do I seek joy in my everyday?
How do I love my husband and children so that they know I love them unconditionally?
How do I get the most out of each day God has given me?
Some days I feel frustrated and annoyed with my children -- the dinky cars on the floor, the crumbs under the table, the crying over nothing, the bath toys left in the tub, the crayon on the floor and walls. I am overwhelmed with the fact that I am a full time stay at home mom with way too much on my plate. I have to battle the feelings of envy when I hear other moms talk about dropping the kids off at their moms while they shop, clean, sleep (!?) or go out with girlfriends or on a date night.
Stop. What?
This past Sunday our church family was struck by tragedy. A terrible accident has left our church family reeling. This event brings my sometimes hazy view of life into stark focus.
It reminds me that the lives of those who fill my life are truly a gift from God.
... to be thankful for the lives of my children even when my socks are wet and sticky from the remains of dinner on the floor.
... to appreciate the creativity and sneakiness of my little artists.
... to say thank you to my husband who steps into his daddy role the second he steps in the door even when he's had a rough day.
... to call my mom or my dad and say thanks for all the times they just shown up to help me.
Life is a gift. Every day complete with every small and great task is a gift from God. Let's not forget it, ever.
Blessings on your everyday,
April
How do I seek joy in my everyday?
How do I love my husband and children so that they know I love them unconditionally?
How do I get the most out of each day God has given me?
Some days I feel frustrated and annoyed with my children -- the dinky cars on the floor, the crumbs under the table, the crying over nothing, the bath toys left in the tub, the crayon on the floor and walls. I am overwhelmed with the fact that I am a full time stay at home mom with way too much on my plate. I have to battle the feelings of envy when I hear other moms talk about dropping the kids off at their moms while they shop, clean, sleep (!?) or go out with girlfriends or on a date night.
Stop. What?
This past Sunday our church family was struck by tragedy. A terrible accident has left our church family reeling. This event brings my sometimes hazy view of life into stark focus.
It reminds me that the lives of those who fill my life are truly a gift from God.
... to be thankful for the lives of my children even when my socks are wet and sticky from the remains of dinner on the floor.
... to appreciate the creativity and sneakiness of my little artists.
... to say thank you to my husband who steps into his daddy role the second he steps in the door even when he's had a rough day.
... to call my mom or my dad and say thanks for all the times they just shown up to help me.
Life is a gift. Every day complete with every small and great task is a gift from God. Let's not forget it, ever.
Blessings on your everyday,
April
Monday, December 23, 2013
Christmas Blessings
In some ways this has been a difficult Christmas season thus far. I have found myself once again aching for my third child. I am ready to welcome this child into my home and into my family. My heart is already full of love for this child but my arms are empty and aching. I have said over and over again, if I could pregnant right now, I would be -- that's how ready I am!
I have found myself part of many conversations in many areas of my life this season that make this reality all too stark.
For example, one morning I sat and listened to some women talk about how thankful they were that the symptoms they were experiencing did not mean pregnancy. I said nothing (much to my own surprise) but later on I shed a few tears as I wished that I could wonder whether or not I was pregnant.
Another question stated, "so where is baby number three?" Oh, how I wish I knew.
And yet another said, "How long is it going to be yet?" Only my Father knows.
In a season when I am supposed to be celebrating the birth of Jesus to a young virgin woman, I am finding myself questioning God's plan. But then, in God's perfect timing, people have showed up again and again to remind me that all things beautiful and worthwhile take time.
You'll notice that our fundraising thermometer has taken some serious jumps. A combination of people all over the place purchasing my hand sewn products and very generous friends and family, we have raised more than enough to pay the retainer fee at our adoption agency when we are chosen. This is amazing as only a few short months ago, we had nothing in our savings account and wondered where the money would come from.
This is where the title of my post is most appropriate. Christmas is indeed a time to not only count our blessings but to be a blessing to each other, to humble ourselves enough to accept the love and gifts others offer. Each of the donations, large and small, have blessed us beyond words. We are so humbled that people believe in us -- so much so that they trust us to raise another child (sometimes I wonder what they see in us!). And talking about blessings -- Jesus is the best blessing we could ever hope for. He was the ultimate picture of humbleness -- coming to earth as a helpless baby when he sat at the Father's right hand in glory. When I wonder when and how I am going to become a mom again, I pray that I may remember that not only did Mary become a mother even though she was a virgin, she was the mother of the man who would give his life to save mine. Wow. Talk about blessing and humbleness wrapped up in one!
We still have a little ways to go and so I will keep my sewing machine humming. In the meantime I can and will give thanks to God for the people he has placed in our lives and for sending his son as a wee baby in a manger to remind me to be humble and patient and thankful as we await our own miracle.
May you have a blessed Christmas.
April
I have found myself part of many conversations in many areas of my life this season that make this reality all too stark.
For example, one morning I sat and listened to some women talk about how thankful they were that the symptoms they were experiencing did not mean pregnancy. I said nothing (much to my own surprise) but later on I shed a few tears as I wished that I could wonder whether or not I was pregnant.
Another question stated, "so where is baby number three?" Oh, how I wish I knew.
And yet another said, "How long is it going to be yet?" Only my Father knows.
In a season when I am supposed to be celebrating the birth of Jesus to a young virgin woman, I am finding myself questioning God's plan. But then, in God's perfect timing, people have showed up again and again to remind me that all things beautiful and worthwhile take time.
You'll notice that our fundraising thermometer has taken some serious jumps. A combination of people all over the place purchasing my hand sewn products and very generous friends and family, we have raised more than enough to pay the retainer fee at our adoption agency when we are chosen. This is amazing as only a few short months ago, we had nothing in our savings account and wondered where the money would come from.
This is where the title of my post is most appropriate. Christmas is indeed a time to not only count our blessings but to be a blessing to each other, to humble ourselves enough to accept the love and gifts others offer. Each of the donations, large and small, have blessed us beyond words. We are so humbled that people believe in us -- so much so that they trust us to raise another child (sometimes I wonder what they see in us!). And talking about blessings -- Jesus is the best blessing we could ever hope for. He was the ultimate picture of humbleness -- coming to earth as a helpless baby when he sat at the Father's right hand in glory. When I wonder when and how I am going to become a mom again, I pray that I may remember that not only did Mary become a mother even though she was a virgin, she was the mother of the man who would give his life to save mine. Wow. Talk about blessing and humbleness wrapped up in one!
We still have a little ways to go and so I will keep my sewing machine humming. In the meantime I can and will give thanks to God for the people he has placed in our lives and for sending his son as a wee baby in a manger to remind me to be humble and patient and thankful as we await our own miracle.
May you have a blessed Christmas.
April
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
JOY in Pregnancy
Heads up to all readers who are grieving and in pain due to infertility (primary or secondary) and miscarriages, and other related things ... this is a post about pregnancy. If you are at all like me and your ability to handle the pain varies depending on what's going on in your life, please read this when you are in a good spot. Hearing about other people's pregnancies is not easy -- it may never be and that's ok.
Here we go ...
My one and only pregnancy journey had started -- not the way I thought it would mind you, but I was pregnant and excited to grow and feel this child inside me. What a miracle. We waited until we were about 13 weeks before sharing our news with family and friends. Wowsers -- that was fun! It was amazing to hear the wonder and excitement from everyone, this little one was so unexpected and yet so loved already.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to really enjoy every aspect of being pregnant. Some days I admit it was hard not to complain about the various things that go along with pregnancy. I felt nauseous off and on for the first few weeks but nothing I couldn't handle. I began gaining weight but at a regular rate consistent with my weeks of pregnancy so that was fine too. I was ok wearing my flip flops to every wedding we attended that summer (there were about ten!). I actually enjoyed shopping for maternity clothes and pouring over the buckets of goodies my girlfriends brought over for me to try on. I enjoyed getting bigger and have people smile at me while out and about. There is something glorious and beautiful about being pregnant. Of course, there were days when I wondered what I had gotten myself into -- especially nearing the end. This baby had to come out ... and from my knowledge, through a space that was not very big. That was slightly concerning but I figured that women all over the world do it everyday with way less technology and medical help than I would be offered.
I loved feeling my baby move in my belly. Of course, now knowing this child and seeing his personality develop, it makes perfect sense that he would push and shove his way into places where his little feet and big head shouldn't be making it uncomfortable to sleep or paint my toenails or get my socks on. But I would spend hours just watching my stomach move in impossible ways and feeling his hands and feet push out in attempt to make more space within.
I loved going to my midwife appointments and hearing his heart beating through the fetal heart monitor.
I enjoyed the prenatal classes even though they were filled with nervous and excited (and young!) parents-to-be and most of the stuff I already knew (at least I thought I knew!).
I loved preparing the baby's nursery.
I loved imagining what gender this baby would be (almost everyone told me it would be a boy) and what his/her name would be and who it would look like.
I loved reading pregnancy books -- although I admit I skipped most of the labour and birth parts (possibly a bad idea in hindsight).
There was much to love about being pregnant and I am so thankful I got to experience it. I really didn't think it would ever happen to me and I still grieve the fact that I will never be pregnant again (see earlier posts!).
Labour and birth. What more to say. I am actually a little bit thankful that I never have to do that again. I marvel at women who choose to experience labour and birth more than once! What are they thinking?! They tell me it gets easier every time but still, it must hurt every time!
Our son, Jude Harm Petros Tuininga, was born at 2:52 am ... almost 24 hours after my water breaking and about 14 hours of induced labour. At one point I told Josh that "I quit". He thought I was serious and was even a bit worried. For those of you who know me, I rarely quit anything because it is too hard. I persevere and tough it out but this labour and birth ordeal .... whew! And, yes, I know there are many many women who have laboured much longer and harder than me. But, praise the Lord, our son was healthy and big (9lb1oz) and loud (he is still loud!). No worries or health concerns to speak of -- Josh was able to deliver him, cut the cord and hand him up to me. What a moment of pure relief and joy to hold my newborn son just seconds after he was born. Overwhelming.
What a miracle. A miracle that I look back on often and fondly, yes, even the labour and birth part. I never want to forget what it felt like to see and hear his heartbeat at only six weeks pregnant, to feel those flutters of movement early in pregnancy, to see Kailyn's eyes grow big with wonder as she looked upon my bare belly and kissed her new baby sibling goodnight each bedtime, to tell Kailyn, on the morning of my water breaking, that today is the day she will finally become a big sister.
"Today Mommy?"
"Today."
April
Here we go ...
My one and only pregnancy journey had started -- not the way I thought it would mind you, but I was pregnant and excited to grow and feel this child inside me. What a miracle. We waited until we were about 13 weeks before sharing our news with family and friends. Wowsers -- that was fun! It was amazing to hear the wonder and excitement from everyone, this little one was so unexpected and yet so loved already.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to really enjoy every aspect of being pregnant. Some days I admit it was hard not to complain about the various things that go along with pregnancy. I felt nauseous off and on for the first few weeks but nothing I couldn't handle. I began gaining weight but at a regular rate consistent with my weeks of pregnancy so that was fine too. I was ok wearing my flip flops to every wedding we attended that summer (there were about ten!). I actually enjoyed shopping for maternity clothes and pouring over the buckets of goodies my girlfriends brought over for me to try on. I enjoyed getting bigger and have people smile at me while out and about. There is something glorious and beautiful about being pregnant. Of course, there were days when I wondered what I had gotten myself into -- especially nearing the end. This baby had to come out ... and from my knowledge, through a space that was not very big. That was slightly concerning but I figured that women all over the world do it everyday with way less technology and medical help than I would be offered.
I loved feeling my baby move in my belly. Of course, now knowing this child and seeing his personality develop, it makes perfect sense that he would push and shove his way into places where his little feet and big head shouldn't be making it uncomfortable to sleep or paint my toenails or get my socks on. But I would spend hours just watching my stomach move in impossible ways and feeling his hands and feet push out in attempt to make more space within.
I loved going to my midwife appointments and hearing his heart beating through the fetal heart monitor.
I enjoyed the prenatal classes even though they were filled with nervous and excited (and young!) parents-to-be and most of the stuff I already knew (at least I thought I knew!).
I loved preparing the baby's nursery.
I loved imagining what gender this baby would be (almost everyone told me it would be a boy) and what his/her name would be and who it would look like.
 |
| Off we go to have this baby. |
I loved reading pregnancy books -- although I admit I skipped most of the labour and birth parts (possibly a bad idea in hindsight).
There was much to love about being pregnant and I am so thankful I got to experience it. I really didn't think it would ever happen to me and I still grieve the fact that I will never be pregnant again (see earlier posts!).
Labour and birth. What more to say. I am actually a little bit thankful that I never have to do that again. I marvel at women who choose to experience labour and birth more than once! What are they thinking?! They tell me it gets easier every time but still, it must hurt every time!
 |
| Moments after birth. |
What a miracle. A miracle that I look back on often and fondly, yes, even the labour and birth part. I never want to forget what it felt like to see and hear his heartbeat at only six weeks pregnant, to feel those flutters of movement early in pregnancy, to see Kailyn's eyes grow big with wonder as she looked upon my bare belly and kissed her new baby sibling goodnight each bedtime, to tell Kailyn, on the morning of my water breaking, that today is the day she will finally become a big sister.
"Today Mommy?"
"Today."
April
 |
| My favourite people in the world! |
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
I'll Never Be Pregnant Again (Part Three)
Life moves forward even when you are hurting. Isn't that the truth?
But move on it did. My job at the seminary was waiting for me and Josh's studies continued on - no time for crawling deep under the duvet and sleeping my life away. We still knew we wanted to have children but we felt that God had spoken clearly on not pursuing anymore fertility treatments.
We decided to look into adoption. God blessed us richly in allowing the adoption process to move smoothly and relatively quickly (of course, it didn't feel like it in the midst of all the paperwork and all the waiting!). Our dream of becoming parents was fulfilled when we received the phone call from our social worker announcing the birth of our daughter, Kailyn. [Read more about her adoption story in earlier posts]. This journey was not without its difficulties but when we received that call, all was erased. When I look at her beautiful little face, my heart melts with joy and thanksgiving.
This is where our story becomes a little complicated. We were convinced that fertility treatments were not for us but after being encouraged by the editor of "Stepping Stones" -- a magazine ministry for couples struggling with infertility -- we decided to look into it again. http://step.bethany.org/ (This was about a year after our failed treatment and after we had been approved for an adoption, but before Kailyn.) At our appointment with a local Christian fertility doctor, he said that he could see no reason why our embryos didn't make it and that if we tried IVF again and it failed, that there would be no charge for his services. This was quite the offer -- we're talking thousands of dollars. We were overwhelmed. I sat in the car and cried. I was confused -- why would God slam the door in my face and then swing it wide open not a year later with an offer that would be difficult to refuse? After much praying and questioning, we decided to go for it. I couldn't believe we were sailing this boat again -- hormones, needles, blood work, ultra sounds ... and like last time, I experienced the whole gamut of emotions from hope to despair, from "this has to work" to "there is no way this can work" and, "what in the world am I doing?!"
Long story short -- we were blessed with embryos! The day came to transfer the first two into my womb followed by two days of complete bedrest. A few days later, we brought Kailyn home. A few days later, I found out I was pregnant. This was overwhelming. So much joy.
Then, I miscarried.
The intense joy I felt holding my newborn baby girl was contrasted with the intense grief I felt as I miscarried the two babes in my womb. To clarify, we miscarried very early on the pregnancy -- in fact, we lost these two before most women would even know they were pregnant. But this detail didn't matter to me ... they were lives lost. I was already planning for utter chaos with two (or three) babies under the age of one! Devastated, Kailyn became my lifeline, a balm for my hurting heart. She was pure joy to me. Thank God.
The story continues ... a year later we transferred more embryos. Once again, I was pregnant but miscarried early on.
Another year passed and we decided to transfer the final embryos. I had little to no hope that this was going to work and so had already moved forward to begin another adoption. We had completed our PRIDE training, registered with two agencies and had begun thinking about other options for adding children to our family. Perhaps I forgot to invite God into this process.
The transfer came and went. I did my days of bedrest and was careful to follow all the doctors instructions as I waited out the twelve longest days ever. The day of the blood test arrived and I expected them to say "sorry, your fertility journey is over". I had already hardened my heart and prepped my mind for the news.
But the news I expected, didn't come. In fact, it was the opposite. I was pregnant and not just a little bit pregnant, a lot pregnant! As the next week or two came and went, my body embraced and grew the baby in my womb rather than miscarrying it like the previous times. I said the words, "I am pregnant" out loud to myself many times over the next few weeks.
I was pregnant.
For real.
God's plan was working out in my life exactly as He intended it to -- before the foundations of the world were laid, God had my little life worked out to the finest detail. But let me be clear -- God grieved alongside me as I mourned (and still mourn) the lives of my wee ones I did not meet here on earth. And he rejoices with me as he perfectly formed the little one I now chase around my house.
God is a God of big and small. So small that at a six week ultrasound when my baby was only six millimeters long, we could hear and see his heart beating on the screen. Wow! How could I doubt his faithfulness and devotion to me, his child?
Child of God,
April
But move on it did. My job at the seminary was waiting for me and Josh's studies continued on - no time for crawling deep under the duvet and sleeping my life away. We still knew we wanted to have children but we felt that God had spoken clearly on not pursuing anymore fertility treatments.
We decided to look into adoption. God blessed us richly in allowing the adoption process to move smoothly and relatively quickly (of course, it didn't feel like it in the midst of all the paperwork and all the waiting!). Our dream of becoming parents was fulfilled when we received the phone call from our social worker announcing the birth of our daughter, Kailyn. [Read more about her adoption story in earlier posts]. This journey was not without its difficulties but when we received that call, all was erased. When I look at her beautiful little face, my heart melts with joy and thanksgiving.
This is where our story becomes a little complicated. We were convinced that fertility treatments were not for us but after being encouraged by the editor of "Stepping Stones" -- a magazine ministry for couples struggling with infertility -- we decided to look into it again. http://step.bethany.org/ (This was about a year after our failed treatment and after we had been approved for an adoption, but before Kailyn.) At our appointment with a local Christian fertility doctor, he said that he could see no reason why our embryos didn't make it and that if we tried IVF again and it failed, that there would be no charge for his services. This was quite the offer -- we're talking thousands of dollars. We were overwhelmed. I sat in the car and cried. I was confused -- why would God slam the door in my face and then swing it wide open not a year later with an offer that would be difficult to refuse? After much praying and questioning, we decided to go for it. I couldn't believe we were sailing this boat again -- hormones, needles, blood work, ultra sounds ... and like last time, I experienced the whole gamut of emotions from hope to despair, from "this has to work" to "there is no way this can work" and, "what in the world am I doing?!"
Long story short -- we were blessed with embryos! The day came to transfer the first two into my womb followed by two days of complete bedrest. A few days later, we brought Kailyn home. A few days later, I found out I was pregnant. This was overwhelming. So much joy.
Then, I miscarried.
The intense joy I felt holding my newborn baby girl was contrasted with the intense grief I felt as I miscarried the two babes in my womb. To clarify, we miscarried very early on the pregnancy -- in fact, we lost these two before most women would even know they were pregnant. But this detail didn't matter to me ... they were lives lost. I was already planning for utter chaos with two (or three) babies under the age of one! Devastated, Kailyn became my lifeline, a balm for my hurting heart. She was pure joy to me. Thank God.
The story continues ... a year later we transferred more embryos. Once again, I was pregnant but miscarried early on.
Another year passed and we decided to transfer the final embryos. I had little to no hope that this was going to work and so had already moved forward to begin another adoption. We had completed our PRIDE training, registered with two agencies and had begun thinking about other options for adding children to our family. Perhaps I forgot to invite God into this process.
The transfer came and went. I did my days of bedrest and was careful to follow all the doctors instructions as I waited out the twelve longest days ever. The day of the blood test arrived and I expected them to say "sorry, your fertility journey is over". I had already hardened my heart and prepped my mind for the news.
But the news I expected, didn't come. In fact, it was the opposite. I was pregnant and not just a little bit pregnant, a lot pregnant! As the next week or two came and went, my body embraced and grew the baby in my womb rather than miscarrying it like the previous times. I said the words, "I am pregnant" out loud to myself many times over the next few weeks.
I was pregnant.
For real.
God's plan was working out in my life exactly as He intended it to -- before the foundations of the world were laid, God had my little life worked out to the finest detail. But let me be clear -- God grieved alongside me as I mourned (and still mourn) the lives of my wee ones I did not meet here on earth. And he rejoices with me as he perfectly formed the little one I now chase around my house.
God is a God of big and small. So small that at a six week ultrasound when my baby was only six millimeters long, we could hear and see his heart beating on the screen. Wow! How could I doubt his faithfulness and devotion to me, his child?
Child of God,
April
Thursday, September 12, 2013
I'll Never Be Pregnant Again (Part Two)
So I left off the last post with our diagnosis of infertility. It is a hard word to say out loud. It is hard to say, "We are infertile" ... or ... "We struggle with our fertility." I have a hard time saying it out loud even to myself, today. But this is our reality and one that we tackled head on.
Due to the nature of our infertility we were able to skip much of what other couples need to wade through with Clomid and the IUI treatments. We went straight to IVF. IVF stands for In Vitro Fertilization. Romantic and intimate right?! We quickly learned that this is the most not fun way to get pregnant ever. And because of our situation, we had another set of letters (and costs) to add to the IVF -- ICSI (which basically means that the lab tech chooses one super sperm to inject into one egg rather than setting a bunch of them free to fight over the egg in the petri dish). It all seemed easy on paper and while I noted the statistics on success, I felt sure that God would fulfill the desire of my heart with a baby in my womb. I read as much info as I could and was convinced that because we had healthy eggs and sperm our miracle babies would be conceived and although it would be a different route than most couples, it would yield the same result: pregnancy and nine months later, a baby. Repeat.
I was wrong.
Skip ahead a year or so when we were finally ready to start the first step of IVF. This involves a lot of injections, blood work and appointments for ultrasounds and pokes early in the morning. Because we were living in Michigan and our clinic was in Ontario, I did much of this first part on my own. I drove the 45 minutes to my appointments in the dead of winter on days when even school buses were cancelled. I was so determined to do this right and so emotional and hormonal I wouldn't have considered not going. I was exhausted, missing my husband and home and high on hope. I was a mess.
Finally the day came to "harvest the eggs" -- isn't this a horrible thought? Well, it was horrible in other ways too and while I was excited to see them extract egg after egg it was painful and I cried through the whole thing. Now for the romantic part -- Josh and I weren't even there when each of our eggs was united with a sperm. Definitely not how we imagined the conception of our first child! We were hopeful and had our appointment set to have two of the embryos transferred a couple of days later.
My world crashed the next morning. Still exhausted from all the medication, I slept in and was excited to receive the phone call to tell us how many embryos had developed and how they were growing. Josh was out with a friend when the call came. A lab technician, who didn't even refer to me by my name, was calling to tell me "not to bother coming in tomorrow because none of the embryos survived."
That's it.
In my mind, it was over. A huge, steel, impenetrable door had been slammed in my face.
In my dreams of being a mom.
In my dreams of growing big with a child.
In my dreams of nursing my baby.
In my dreams of a little girl who looked just like me.
In my dreams of giving Josh a baby that carried his name.
Everything.
I was numb and frankly, extremely angry. How could God lead me through all of this (all the needles, the ultrasounds, the appointments, the dollars, the HOPE) and then say, "NO."
I cry as I sit and write this ... the pain of that day is still so real and sharp. I didn't understand -- I had given up so much to follow God's call in our life and I couldn't grasp why He would refuse to give me a child.
Of course now I know now that if we had conceived that day, Kailyn would not have been mine. I can't imagine my life without her passion and intensity, her imagination and downright stubbornness. She sure doesn't look like me, but oh, she is my daughter inside and out!
God is faithful.
April
Due to the nature of our infertility we were able to skip much of what other couples need to wade through with Clomid and the IUI treatments. We went straight to IVF. IVF stands for In Vitro Fertilization. Romantic and intimate right?! We quickly learned that this is the most not fun way to get pregnant ever. And because of our situation, we had another set of letters (and costs) to add to the IVF -- ICSI (which basically means that the lab tech chooses one super sperm to inject into one egg rather than setting a bunch of them free to fight over the egg in the petri dish). It all seemed easy on paper and while I noted the statistics on success, I felt sure that God would fulfill the desire of my heart with a baby in my womb. I read as much info as I could and was convinced that because we had healthy eggs and sperm our miracle babies would be conceived and although it would be a different route than most couples, it would yield the same result: pregnancy and nine months later, a baby. Repeat.
I was wrong.
Skip ahead a year or so when we were finally ready to start the first step of IVF. This involves a lot of injections, blood work and appointments for ultrasounds and pokes early in the morning. Because we were living in Michigan and our clinic was in Ontario, I did much of this first part on my own. I drove the 45 minutes to my appointments in the dead of winter on days when even school buses were cancelled. I was so determined to do this right and so emotional and hormonal I wouldn't have considered not going. I was exhausted, missing my husband and home and high on hope. I was a mess.
Finally the day came to "harvest the eggs" -- isn't this a horrible thought? Well, it was horrible in other ways too and while I was excited to see them extract egg after egg it was painful and I cried through the whole thing. Now for the romantic part -- Josh and I weren't even there when each of our eggs was united with a sperm. Definitely not how we imagined the conception of our first child! We were hopeful and had our appointment set to have two of the embryos transferred a couple of days later.
My world crashed the next morning. Still exhausted from all the medication, I slept in and was excited to receive the phone call to tell us how many embryos had developed and how they were growing. Josh was out with a friend when the call came. A lab technician, who didn't even refer to me by my name, was calling to tell me "not to bother coming in tomorrow because none of the embryos survived."
That's it.
In my mind, it was over. A huge, steel, impenetrable door had been slammed in my face.
In my dreams of being a mom.
In my dreams of growing big with a child.
In my dreams of nursing my baby.
In my dreams of a little girl who looked just like me.
In my dreams of giving Josh a baby that carried his name.
Everything.
I was numb and frankly, extremely angry. How could God lead me through all of this (all the needles, the ultrasounds, the appointments, the dollars, the HOPE) and then say, "NO."
I cry as I sit and write this ... the pain of that day is still so real and sharp. I didn't understand -- I had given up so much to follow God's call in our life and I couldn't grasp why He would refuse to give me a child.
Of course now I know now that if we had conceived that day, Kailyn would not have been mine. I can't imagine my life without her passion and intensity, her imagination and downright stubbornness. She sure doesn't look like me, but oh, she is my daughter inside and out!
God is faithful.
April
 |
| My girl on her first day of school. |
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
I'll Never Be Pregnant Again (Part One)
It's true ... I will never carry another child in my womb. This is a hard statement for me. But this also seems to be a hard statement for others to hear too.
I wanted to share a little bit about our fertility, or infertility, journey over the years but first let's be clear. Yes, I believe in miracles. I believe in an almighty God who has the power and ability to heal our infertility. I believe God could work a miracle in our bodies which would allow me to carry another biological child. I just don't think that is God's plan for us.
Infertility is a hard road to travel. Consider the average couple ... they marry, they continue to pursue their careers and after about two years of wedded bliss (!!) they think about having a baby. Everyone else also thinks about them having a baby. That's when the questions begin ... "so, are you going to start your family soon?" "You guys would make cute babies." "You'll be great parents!" Hint hint, wink wink.
So, the couple begins to 'try' or be less careful about not getting pregnant. It seems to me that most of these 'trying' couples get pregnant within two-three months or perhaps a bit longer. Everyone is happy and pleasantly surprised. Let the baby showers and pregnancy stories roll. This is how it is supposed to be.
Of course, in many cases this is not how it goes. A couple may get pregnant unexpectedly and they really do feel unprepared, a couple may get pregnant and miscarry that precious child at only a few weeks, the couple may have been trying for a long time before they can announce their pregnancy and sometimes, it doesn't happen at all. Sometimes, even though everything appears to be in order and the couple appears to be okay with all the "you'd make a great mom" comments, the road to pregnancy is becoming cold, sterilized and just plain not fun. Infertility.
Infertility is defined as one year of trying to get pregnant without success. A year is a long time when you have your heart set on something, especially when each month is marked by Aunt Flo. Especially when every month someone else at church or in your circle of friends, announces their pregnancy or gives birth to a perfectly formed little person. Especially when you continually are invited to baby showers and baptism celebrations. Now don't get me wrong, babies are most definitely cause for celebration. They are a gift from God. I would never want to take joy away from a new mom or dad but oh, it is hard to be happy for someone else when you are so sad for yourself.
Josh and I were no different. Josh had finally convinced me that we were ready to have kids. I always wanted to have a big family and Josh did too. We figured it would be easy -- easy like it was for everyone else. We had never heard anyone talk about infertility and had no idea it would take over our lives with such intensity only a few months into trying to get pregnant. Because I am an information junkie, I read everything I could find on the best days to get pregnant, what my body was supposed to feel like and how I would know I was pregnant. It only took about three months and I knew something was wrong. So, off to the doctors we went and things progressed from there. We proceeded to complete a battery of tests, bloodwork and procedures and soon the cause of our infertility was determined.
Infertility. Me. Now. It hurts.
Now what?
Who can we share this with?
Why would God give me this deep desire to be a mom if I can't see how it is ever going to happen?
Why is this happening to me? to us? and no one else? (this is a lie, it happens to lots of people)
Infertility. Me. Still. It hurts.
April
I wanted to share a little bit about our fertility, or infertility, journey over the years but first let's be clear. Yes, I believe in miracles. I believe in an almighty God who has the power and ability to heal our infertility. I believe God could work a miracle in our bodies which would allow me to carry another biological child. I just don't think that is God's plan for us.
Infertility is a hard road to travel. Consider the average couple ... they marry, they continue to pursue their careers and after about two years of wedded bliss (!!) they think about having a baby. Everyone else also thinks about them having a baby. That's when the questions begin ... "so, are you going to start your family soon?" "You guys would make cute babies." "You'll be great parents!" Hint hint, wink wink.
So, the couple begins to 'try' or be less careful about not getting pregnant. It seems to me that most of these 'trying' couples get pregnant within two-three months or perhaps a bit longer. Everyone is happy and pleasantly surprised. Let the baby showers and pregnancy stories roll. This is how it is supposed to be.
Of course, in many cases this is not how it goes. A couple may get pregnant unexpectedly and they really do feel unprepared, a couple may get pregnant and miscarry that precious child at only a few weeks, the couple may have been trying for a long time before they can announce their pregnancy and sometimes, it doesn't happen at all. Sometimes, even though everything appears to be in order and the couple appears to be okay with all the "you'd make a great mom" comments, the road to pregnancy is becoming cold, sterilized and just plain not fun. Infertility.
Infertility is defined as one year of trying to get pregnant without success. A year is a long time when you have your heart set on something, especially when each month is marked by Aunt Flo. Especially when every month someone else at church or in your circle of friends, announces their pregnancy or gives birth to a perfectly formed little person. Especially when you continually are invited to baby showers and baptism celebrations. Now don't get me wrong, babies are most definitely cause for celebration. They are a gift from God. I would never want to take joy away from a new mom or dad but oh, it is hard to be happy for someone else when you are so sad for yourself.
Josh and I were no different. Josh had finally convinced me that we were ready to have kids. I always wanted to have a big family and Josh did too. We figured it would be easy -- easy like it was for everyone else. We had never heard anyone talk about infertility and had no idea it would take over our lives with such intensity only a few months into trying to get pregnant. Because I am an information junkie, I read everything I could find on the best days to get pregnant, what my body was supposed to feel like and how I would know I was pregnant. It only took about three months and I knew something was wrong. So, off to the doctors we went and things progressed from there. We proceeded to complete a battery of tests, bloodwork and procedures and soon the cause of our infertility was determined.
Infertility. Me. Now. It hurts.
Now what?
Who can we share this with?
Why would God give me this deep desire to be a mom if I can't see how it is ever going to happen?
Why is this happening to me? to us? and no one else? (this is a lie, it happens to lots of people)
Infertility. Me. Still. It hurts.
April
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Encouraged (and a little discouraged)
We met with our adoption agency yesterday. I left the meeting feeling mostly encouraged and excited.
Encouraged because our contact person there is wonderful and easy to talk to. She is experienced, informative, open and honest. We felt welcomed and comfortable immediately. She gave us helpful feedback on our profile and is excited that we are now on the ACTIVE WAITING LIST!! Yup, so as soon as I get our profile to her, she can show us to prospective birth parents. Great news!
She told us we were a great adoptive family -- most of the families on the waiting list are between 35-45 years old, so we are just spring chickens :) And because we are a multiracial family. it opens doors for us. This is neat because our pediatrician and social worker for Kailyn told us that it was highly unusual for a black woman to choose a white family to raise her child. We feel so honoured that Kailyn's birthmom looked at who we are and what we value as a couple rather than just at the colour of our skin. Wow.
I feel just a little discouraged because the active waiting list is long and there are not many adoptions happening in Ontario in general. Adoption is simply not looked upon as an option in many situations. This is an interesting trend to reflect on ... why aren't men and women who don't feel ready or capable to parent a child choosing to parent or abort their child rather than thinking about adoption? This issue is complicated and I won't claim to understand it. It baffles me and makes my heart sad.
Anyways ... the waiting part of this journey is just around the corner. As many of you know, I am terrible at waiting. As I prepare to wait, I thank God for all his gifts to me. All the things that will make the waiting easier -- a husband who loves me and supports and encourages me to develop my gifts, two little ones who make me laugh everyday and whose favourite word must be "mommy" to which I must respond with, "yes?" or "what?" and a variety of activities that fill my schedule each week.
But, in the quiet of the end of the day, my heart and arms ache for my child. Where is he/she? When will he/she come home to me? to us? Is he/she safe? Is his or her birth mom safe? All questions I do my best to lay at the feet of my heavenly Father. He knows the answers.
Blessings,
April
Encouraged because our contact person there is wonderful and easy to talk to. She is experienced, informative, open and honest. We felt welcomed and comfortable immediately. She gave us helpful feedback on our profile and is excited that we are now on the ACTIVE WAITING LIST!! Yup, so as soon as I get our profile to her, she can show us to prospective birth parents. Great news!
She told us we were a great adoptive family -- most of the families on the waiting list are between 35-45 years old, so we are just spring chickens :) And because we are a multiracial family. it opens doors for us. This is neat because our pediatrician and social worker for Kailyn told us that it was highly unusual for a black woman to choose a white family to raise her child. We feel so honoured that Kailyn's birthmom looked at who we are and what we value as a couple rather than just at the colour of our skin. Wow.
I feel just a little discouraged because the active waiting list is long and there are not many adoptions happening in Ontario in general. Adoption is simply not looked upon as an option in many situations. This is an interesting trend to reflect on ... why aren't men and women who don't feel ready or capable to parent a child choosing to parent or abort their child rather than thinking about adoption? This issue is complicated and I won't claim to understand it. It baffles me and makes my heart sad.
Anyways ... the waiting part of this journey is just around the corner. As many of you know, I am terrible at waiting. As I prepare to wait, I thank God for all his gifts to me. All the things that will make the waiting easier -- a husband who loves me and supports and encourages me to develop my gifts, two little ones who make me laugh everyday and whose favourite word must be "mommy" to which I must respond with, "yes?" or "what?" and a variety of activities that fill my schedule each week.
But, in the quiet of the end of the day, my heart and arms ache for my child. Where is he/she? When will he/she come home to me? to us? Is he/she safe? Is his or her birth mom safe? All questions I do my best to lay at the feet of my heavenly Father. He knows the answers.
Blessings,
April
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