It's true ... I will never carry another child in my womb. This is a hard statement for me. But this also seems to be a hard statement for others to hear too.
I wanted to share a little bit about our fertility, or infertility, journey over the years but first let's be clear. Yes, I believe in miracles. I believe in an almighty God who has the power and ability to heal our infertility. I believe God could work a miracle in our bodies which would allow me to carry another biological child. I just don't think that is God's plan for us.
Infertility is a hard road to travel. Consider the average couple ... they marry, they continue to pursue their careers and after about two years of wedded bliss (!!) they think about having a baby. Everyone else also thinks about them having a baby. That's when the questions begin ... "so, are you going to start your family soon?" "You guys would make cute babies." "You'll be great parents!" Hint hint, wink wink.
So, the couple begins to 'try' or be less careful about not getting pregnant. It seems to me that most of these 'trying' couples get pregnant within two-three months or perhaps a bit longer. Everyone is happy and pleasantly surprised. Let the baby showers and pregnancy stories roll. This is how it is supposed to be.
Of course, in many cases this is not how it goes. A couple may get
pregnant unexpectedly and they really do feel unprepared, a couple may get pregnant and miscarry that precious child at only a few weeks, the couple may have been trying for a long time before they can announce their pregnancy and sometimes, it doesn't happen at all. Sometimes, even though everything appears to be in order and the couple appears to be okay with all the "you'd make a great mom" comments, the road to pregnancy is becoming cold, sterilized and just plain not fun. Infertility.
Infertility is defined as one year of trying to get pregnant without success. A year is a long time when you have your heart set on something, especially when each month is marked by Aunt Flo. Especially when every month someone else at church or in your circle of friends, announces their pregnancy or gives birth to a perfectly formed little person. Especially when you continually are invited to baby showers and baptism celebrations. Now don't get me wrong, babies are most definitely cause for celebration. They are a gift from God. I would never want to take joy away from a new mom or dad but oh, it is hard to be happy for someone else when you are so sad for yourself.
Josh and I were no different. Josh had finally convinced me that we were ready to have kids. I always wanted to have a big family and Josh did too. We figured it would be easy -- easy like it was for everyone else. We had never heard anyone talk about infertility and had no idea it would take over our lives with such intensity only a few months into trying to get pregnant. Because I am an information junkie, I read everything I could find on the best days to get pregnant, what my body was supposed to feel like and how I would know I was pregnant. It only took about three months and I knew something was wrong. So, off to the doctors we went and things progressed from there. We proceeded to complete a battery of tests, bloodwork and procedures and soon the cause of our infertility was determined.
Infertility. Me. Now. It hurts.
Now what?
Who can we share this with?
Why would God give me this deep desire to be a mom if I can't see how it is ever going to happen?
Why is this happening to me? to us? and no one else? (this is a lie, it happens to lots of people)
Infertility. Me. Still. It hurts.
April
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